Dear Rob Thomas,

Your band sucks*.

Sincerely,
Coco, the girl with the dunce cap

*Yourself or Someone Like You is good. Really, really good. I’m happy to give you credit for that. But that was the ’90s, and Adam Duritz still looked okay with dreadlocks, and your sadsack melodramatic act worked. And Jakob Dylan was winning Grammys, and I was 6. It was kind of all downhill from there. I can’t listen to “If You’re Gone.” I mean it. I change it every single time. For my birthday one year, my mom woke me up by playing that song. As a joke. To ring in my birthday in the worst way possible. Stop now.

**”Smooth”  is also really good. I made up an interpretive dance to it, and sometimes I still whip out the moves. But that was just you, and Santana can make even Michelle Branch melodious.

***Just kidding. I like Michelle Branch.

****Your band still sucks.